Pitiful But Persistent

Scattered all over the place, each of my body parts feels a distinct contrasting sensation. It's been devastatingly hard to put a sentence together, as if my mind doesn't belong to me any more. Shameful, dull, penetrative feelings don't leave me. Like a kite's string I fly loose but never free, even so not belonging to any child's hands. I recall vividly the decision I made to cut all ties. Yet why am I still lingering with a knife in my hands? Why am I petrified in the face of this dark empty cave? Silly question. I am no longer in possession of my old self. Some sort of monster is building up in my in my insides, screeching and scratching. I need it out before I sound like him more than I already do.

I feel so fucking hung-over. Can’t afford to lose control in the midst of all this. This damn heart doesn’t stop beating so hard, so loud, so fast. So pathetic. It’s like my stomach’s sunk deep and stayed down there. Like I’m invited to my ex’s wedding: an awful lot of emotions.

I'm going, by the way.

***

My life is haunted, the shadows call.

Today, two men made me angry, one kept me company. It shows how distorted a relationship I have with people, dividing them into categories of hurtful and safe, being astonished when one of the hurtful ones turns out to be actually safe. Women are the same. They make me angry every time they fail, like a sadistic psychopath, to notice how being a female has left their life in ruins. (see the two poles here?)

***

I am so sleepy that I can't decide whether it is too dark and too personal to shout out online. I can’t keep it in anymore though. Let the whole world know that I feel so humiliated because he ignored me. I can’t stand myself for providing him the opportunity! Wasting my talking capacity only for him to refuse to answer. God I’m so angry! Why couldn’t I tell the other one off? That rude, sick stranger trying to guide me, teach me about the book I was reading, the clothes I was wearing. He deserved more.

Am I falling?